Oh hey, I didn’t know you’re still here reading my blog. It’s been half a year without any post I know. I’ve been busy….doing nothing.

The truth is, I haven’t been feeling technically curious for maybe about a year now. It’s like a writer’s block but in a technical way….a programmer’s block?

In my way of thinking, programmers have a curse. We’re pretty much on the same boat with artists. We’re stuck in a constant loop of creating & learning.

Everytime I finish a project, there was always the question: and where does the newborn go from here? The net is vast and infinite.

Indeed, once I finish a project (whenever I manage to do that), I feel like a brand new person. It’s hard to describe. I start to see things and do things with a completely different feeling. The world felt fresh and pristine.

I had thought maybe that was the way of the world. That it’ll keep changing the more you learn.

But for the past year, things have not gone the way I expected. I don’t know what you’d call it. Burnout? Uninterested in the world? or trumspringa even? That’s pushing it a bit.

I don’t know. I just feel like a problems solver who is fed up with problems.

But I’ve been a programmer from a young age. If I stop writing code, solving problems, etc. Then who am I?

I have plans, or dreams rather, to become a fisherman. The thing is, I don’t even like fish. I would just stop being a programmer who hates code and become a fisherman who hates fish. Not great, not terrible.

I write short stories. Although terrible, they do help release some of the creative energy screaming inside me. But that’s just going from programmer’s block to writer’s block. Not great, real terrible. I think the feeling of staring at a blank page should be utilised by the CIA to torture writers. It’s truly agonizing.

Perhaps taking a break would help? Except I have no idea how to relax.
The unbearable side effect of relaxation for me is that it reminds me of my mortality.

Whenever I try to relax, it’s like walking into a room full of clocks, ticking non-stop; now and then, a cuckoo bird pops out yelling “Do something!”

The only time I truly feel relaxed is perhaps when I’m lost in music; Shoegaze, post-rock, and whatever genre of music Thom Yorke makes helps.

For the last 3 or 4 months, I started to have some motivation to get back to coding, but the feeling is no longer as intense as before.

I wish I had an answer at the end of the post like usual, but I don’t.

Perhaps, not everything needs an answer.

Perhaps, it’s one of those things that one goes through in life with a vague understanding, then completely forgets about it along the way without ever realizing what it was.